My Pregnant Wife

My name is Darcy; I am Corey’s wife and Axel’s Mother.  I wanted to add something of myself to Corey’s blog and a thank you to our family and friends for their love and support.

Corey’s started writing about my pregnancy to share with family and friends.  I was amused by his take on our pregnancy.  The blog became something more than he ever intended.  We love all the comments left for us, they have kept us connected and they helped us from drowning in grief after we lost Axel.

Most of you who have read Corey’s blog are friends and family who know us pretty well, what some of you may not know is that Corey and I have been trying to have a baby for a few years; we had two miscarriages before we got pregnant with Axel.  We have always wanted children, we discussed it long before we were married, I think it may have even been our second date…. poor Corey.  We had a “5 year plan”, the five years turned into 6, 7 and then at 8 yrs we found out we were having Axel.  I was in Trinidad on a business trip and knew we were pregnant; I managed to wait until we were together before confirming that we were indeed pregnant.  Axel was due July 10, 2007. 

Our first trimester with Axel was scary, every Ultrasound, test and Midwife appointment was terrifying, I was waiting for something to go wrong.  Corey, my Mom, Sister and Sarah our Midwife tried to reassure me at every turn; needless to say we were relieved once we made it to the second trimester. 

I loved being pregnant, I even loved the nausea and mind boggling heart burn.  I tried to take everything in my pregnancy with a sense of humor and enjoy the time.  I knew that once he was born I would miss having him inside me.  I felt like I was carrying a treasure around with me, my little man kicking and letting me know his thoughts on all my habits.  Axel had an opinion about my walking, eating, sleeping…..he came by his nature quite honestly, both Corey and I come from wonderful families with lots of personality and lots of opinions…. 

We were thrilled when we found out we were having a boy.  It was amazing to know that our Son would be making his appearance soon.  We started arguing about names within hours of the ultrasound.  Romeo, Rocco, Cyrus…etc….when we decided on Axel it just felt right, I love his name.  I called him by his name from the moment we decided on it, I still love to hear other people refer to him by his name.  My Sister in Law created a crest with his name, Corey posted it on the blog and my parents hung the letters of his name in the “grandchildren’s room” in their house.  Axel Corey Reid Carriveau is a great name.

Our third trimester went along without any concerns right until we found out Axel had died.  He was born May 20, 2007 at 7:00 am in St. Paul’s Hospital.  Corey and I held him and said goodbye.  It was the worst day of our lives, everyday since then has been about survival, taking each breath one at a time.

We pray for the day Jehovah will bring him back to us, until then nothing will be right. 

A few weeks after Axel died; I was hurt in an accident.  I was taken to the hospital, had surgery etc.  My scars are pretty brutal but as it turns out Corey was probably injured more than I was.  He had to watch what happened to Axel and then watch again when I was injured.  Corey has carried more than any Husband or Father should ever have to endure. 

Corey and I have kept our heads above water with the help and support of our family, friends, congregation and most of all our faith in Jehovah’s promised resurrection (Revelation 21:3, 4).   

The scars on my arm are ugly but they are confirmation of what has happened; that Axel is our first born, that he was with us, that we love him and that we will see him again soon, sadly the scars on our hearts will not heal until we have our Son.

Thank you for all your loving thoughts, words and kindnesses. 

Much Love,

Darcy

I’m stressed, there is no denying that.  Still, there is some funny stuff that happened over the past few days that I’m starting to appreciate.

Here are some anecdotes for you all to share in our joy and pain.

I was going to jump in the water to save my wife.  It’s what you do, right?  Nope, she’s ordering me to call 911 first.  I kept asking if she could swim to the boat.  She kept telling me to call 911 first.  So leasoned learned.  Listen to your wife.  At least mine is pretty smart.  And a Level III first aid attendant at that and I had heard her say a thousand times you need to call 911 first no matter what.

When Darcy told me to call 911, I went to the bag where I knew the phone was and picked up my wallet by mistake instead of the phone, opened it like a phone and put it to my ear.  I threw it on the ground and yelled at myself ‘THAT’s NOT A PHONE!’  I did find the phone next and call 911.  Yeesh.

When going through the harbour on the way back, I apologized to someone for ripping past them.  Why would I do that??  Anyways, afterwards, Dan Sewell (owner of Sewells Marina) told me I did the right thing by not slowing down.  For some reason I felt better about doing that. 

Once Darcy was in the ambulance, they checked her heart pressure.  It was fine.  All I thought was, how could your heart pressure be fine?  You lost blood, your arm is in a million pieces, and yet somehow still so healthy. 

The ambulance attendant tried to give her an IV.  She was trying to give her a 20 gauge needle.  Darcy really only needed about a 12-14 gauge needle.  Anyways, Darcy said to her after she was trying for a few minutes ‘OKAY, YOU’RE DOING A REALLY BAD JOB OF THAT!’

The ride to the hospital was pretty slow, just normal highway speeds.  They chose to do that because there was greater risk of her getting jarred and to start bleeding again than there was of any benefit in getting there faster.  She was in pain, but that was all…  I chose to wait until she was medicated before telling her about that decision.

The second Darcy got to the ER she exclaimed ‘I would like drugs now please’.

Later in the ER, they’ve started giving Darcy morphine so the pain is discipating a bit.  I went to give her a kiss and she says to me ‘you need to brush your teeth’.  Yup, she’s feeling better even if her arm isn’t in one piece.

I come back to her in a bit (after having some mints) and she says to me ‘you have a white head on your nose’.  Yeesh Darcy, I’m still a little stressed from all this.  I’ll live with it for a bit, okay.

Darcy didn’t go to surgery for an entire day.  When I found out she was done and sitting in recovery, I started asking the nurses about her.  Apparently I created quite a comotion, when Darcy got out she told me that there were about 6 nurses running around all worked up trying to get her back to her room becuase ‘her husband was outside and frantic and she had promised to get Darcy out now!’  Anyways, I was pretty excited to see her, and to see her waving her good hand!!

That night I slept beside her again.  But there was no waking me up this time.  At one point in the night the nurse said to Darcy ’He’s a good sleeper, eh.’

I was such a good sleeper that Darcy was throwing stuff at me with her good hand and I wouldn’t wake up.  She eventually took her sling apart to hit me with it to wake me up.  Nope, that didn’t work either.

She did eventualy wake me up to tell me her blood pressure was lower than it should me and she started running a mild fever.  I asked her what that meant and she didn’t have an answer.  So, guess what I did?  I went back to sleep. 

She woke me up again when she found out the surgeon was going to come tell us about what he found from the surgery so that she could brush her teeth.  I asked her if she could wait an hour, I was tired.  I didn’t ask for 10 minutes, I asked for an hour.

I’m a good sleeper, what can I say.  And apparently I needed it.

I told her later I was a great nurse when I was awake, but no good when sleeping.  She’ll have to live with that.

At home, I had to change her bandage the first day because the nurse wasn’t scheduled to start until the following day.  Anyways, picture this.  Husband changing wifes bandage.  Wife is Level III first aid attendant.  I was not exactly setup for success.  But if you ask her, I did great!

More that once when trying to give her the pain meds I would have a glass in my left hand and the meds in the other hand.  She kept grabbing for the glass of water with her right hand (you know, the one with 27 STAPLES IN IT!!).  I kept pulling it away from her and she was getting miffed with me.  That was until I reminded her she wouldn’t be able to hold it and get it to her mouth with that hand.  She’s one handed for now, but not for long.  Still every time it happened her reaction was pretty funny.

Okay, I’m sure I’ll have more later, but those are some good ones for now.  I’m not in a relaxed state, still very stressed out with a ton of anxiety, but can say I love my wife, and still appreciate the humour we enjoy together. 

Corey.

When you think you’ve hit the bottom, you realize that your not even close. 

I went back to work mid last week, which happened to require me to be in Phoenix.  Darcy stayed with her mom and dad for a few days while I was out of town.  It was tough being away, and not there to help her with the daily ups and downs.

Saturday was scheduled to be Darcy’s shower.  I didn’t remember this, sidetracked with just wanting to see her again that night.  A tough night, a tough morning.  But happy to be with her again.

A beautiful sunny Sunday, I thought going somewhere where the two of us could enjoy that and be alone would be perfect to put us at ease, if just for an afternoon.

Renting a boat from Sewells in Horshoebay is something we try and do every summer.  I love the water and love being on the ocean.  It can be so relaxing.

Our ride lasted 10 minutes until something I can’t even explain happened. 

I got up and and looked around to see where she was.  Found her and yelled if she was okay.

‘ITS BAD, ITS BAD, ITS REALLY REALLY BAD!’ 

Sink.  That’s immediately what my heart did. 

A fall into the water is never really bad, it’s just water.  A run in with the boat, or worse its propeller, is the only thing it could have been. 

I raced close to her in the boat and she told me to call 911.  Knowing that I was about to jump in the water and she didn’t want me to do that.  All business and taking care of the situation.  Her Level III first aid in action. 

But it was the terror in her voice that had me beside myself.  What would I do without her.  This can’t even be true.

I was calling 911 when I saw the damage to her arm in the water.   Nothing ever goes fast enough when everything is flashing before you.

For every moment after that I lived in terror that I would lose my wife.  Terror trying to find the cell phone in the bag, terror getting her into the boat, terror finding a towel, terror when I realized I didn’t know where to wrap it, terror leaving her at the back of the boat holding her own wounds so I could start it and head to shore.

Terror while I shook uncontrollably trying to hold her wounds waiting for the paramedics to get down to the boat.

Two weeks ago, Darcy & I endured what is the saddest day of our lives.

Last Sunday, I endured the most stressful day ever.  Losing my son and my wife would meet anyones worst nightmare.

She had surgery on Monday and she’s been put back together now.  A nerve was bruised, leaving her with only some numbness near her thumb.  The feeling should return in time though.  That nerve was millimeters from being severed.

No tendons were damaged.  She has motor functions of her fingers.  however, the muscles and tissue will need about two full months to heal.  Then will come the physio therapy.

The countless staples (only becuase I haven’t counted yet) will be removed in 10-14 days.  A nurse will visit her ever day at our home to replace the dressing and check that there is no infections until then.

As crazy as it all is, I have her home with me now.  That’s all I care about today.

Corey.

Maybe this should be titled, ‘what I’ve learned’.

I’ve learned that until you really experience grief it’s hard to know how it feels.  I’ve also learned that everyone experiences grief differently.  And that there aren’t any right or wrong ways.

I also have come to cherish the scripture at Psalms 34:18, ‘Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; And those who are crushed in spirit he saves’.

Broken and crushed is how I feel.  And that scripture is so comforting to me.

I’ve also learned what it means to lean on your family, on your friends, on your congregation.  It’s so easy to want to drown in your sorrow, in all your pain.  To let it simply consume you.  To not allow yourself to think of what tomorrow is or brings.

But leaning on others relieves you of that somewhat.  It gives you a shoulder to cry on and share.  It gives you comfort that there is a tomorrow.  Somewhere anyways.  And that somewhere out there are beautiful days. 

You don’t want to see those days as you think that as soon as you do, you’re forgetting your son.  Rationally, you know that’s not possible, but what is rational about grief.  You think that if you smile or laugh, or feel normal for a moment that you’ve wronged him in some way. 

I want everyone to know that there are times when I sit at my computer and wait for someone to leave us a comment and then I lean on that.  Then I reread them all, and all the cards and lean on them again.

Every phone call and visit have helped as well.  I’ve leaned on all of you and will need to keep doing that. 

Thankyou for letting me lean.

Corey.

My sister had always planned on designing a crest for Axel.  She was going to place this on the backside of a birth announcement.

She gave us the birth announcement and crest last night.  It is simply amazing and something that I will always cherish.

This past weekend, my wife & I have endured an event so tragic, we are still having difficulty coming to grasps with the reality of it.  I don’t ever expect the pain we now feel to disappear.

On Saturday, our midwife came by for a visit to check on Darcy who was having extremely itchy feet.  As part of a normal visit, they also listen to the baby’s heartbeat.  I’ve found that mothers to be always enjoy that interaction.  They find it so comforting.

But Sara couldn’t find it. 

We made our way over to St. Paul’s and where we proceeded to search for his heartbeat.  It wasn’t there.  Neither the fetal heart monitor, nor an ultrasound could find it.

Darcy knew before I did.  Maybe I just wanted to ignore what was so clearly in front of me.  The horror of knowing your son is dead before you’ve even had an opportunity to meet him is …

…no word can explain that feeling.

The pain you feel is at times overwhelming… the days ahead seem to have no purpose.  Logic and reason mean nothing.

The gross horror of the moment, coupled with the horrific decisions you now need to face are simply inconceivable.  When only shortly before, we were talking about him and guessing at what his personality was, and who he took after… what colour his hair would be. 

No, no, no, no… is all you’re saying or thinking.  You don’t want to accept it as truth.  You don’t want to believe. You want to wake up it all be a bad dream

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago that my son fell off a boat while we were on a lake.  I was already in the water and dove down to get him.  He was out of my reach, but I wouldn’t give up.. I couldn’t…  I loved him so much, I had to save him.  I had no air, but I wouldn’t stop… and I got him.  I saved him.  He was going to be okay.

I couldn’t save him from this.  There was nothing that I could do.  Nothing and it’s horrible to know that you couln’t protect him.  And I didn’t even get the opportunity to do it.

I am very proud of my wife.  She is so beautiful and strong.  I cannot imagine the feelings you’d have and the strength you’d need to give birth to your son who you know is not breathing.  Who you had felt kicking you less that a day before.  Who you’ve already grown such a beautiful connection with through the eight months he’s been with you.

Axel Corey Reid Carriveau was born Sunday morning at 7:00am.  He was 3lbs 1oz and 43 centimeters long, with thick brown hair.  He was so beautiful.  So perfect.  We love him so much.

He looked just like his 3D photos.  Exactly like them.

Darcy & I got to spend some time with him.  At first you think that seeing him would be so horrible, knowing that he’s not alive.  But you have to, I couldn’t imagine leaving him there and not even saying hello.  I will always cherish that time the three of us spent together.  My beautiful son, my beautiful wife.

They gave us some keepsakes from the hospital for us to remember him.  His birth card, imprints of his hands and feet, and a few locks of his hair.

He was such a pretty, beautiful baby.  So perfect, and so perfect for us.

me and my beautiful wife